Where does happiness come from?

http://bit.ly/HbThB According to Eric Weiner's "The Geography of Bliss," 70 % of our happiness comes from our relations with others.

Listing 10 things that make me happy

Last week, I wrote about the thrill of negotiating and how much I was looking forward to car shopping. Of course that was followed by a week of car shopping. While showrooms are like toy stores to me and cars are the ultimate toys, there is also the dark side.

Writing last week's column through rose-colored glasses, I must admit that I forgot about the stare-downs, the deadlines, the ambiguity of option packages.

Memorial Day weekend car shopping got tense.

To regroup I tried a trick found in Barbara Ann Kipfer's book, "Field Guide to Happiness," which features many quick fixes for whenever your happy meter is running low.

The first exercise suggested in the book is listing 10 things that make you happy. A simple idea, and after a weekend of finagling, simple's exactly what I needed.

1) A job in journalism that seems pretty secure: Everyone knows that many papers are sinking fast. Luckily, the paper where I am the features editor -- Suburban Trends -- is in the black. So, I get to continue to do what I love while a lot of my colleagues are having a much harder time.

2) Time alone with my 2-year-old son Owen: Mommy had to work on Saturday last weekend. That meant that Daddy (me) and Owen had an entire day of guy fun, which included playing with cars, playing piano (we have a red plastic toddler piano next to our Yamaha) and mopping. (I am a bit of a neat-freak and I'm happy to report that so is my boy!)

3) Barbeque at my parents to start the summer: I love going to my parents' house. It always feels like a holiday to me. Dad at the grill means summertime.

4) Test driving cars--is there a guy out there who doesn't think test driving cars is fun?

5) Seeing Owen at his neighbor Thunder's house: Thunder is the dog next-door. Owen is eternally curious about the gray terrier he hears through his bedroom window. If he doesn't hear Thunder barking, he runs over to his window and stands on his tippy-toes, "Thunder sleeping? Thunder eating? Maybe Thunder inside?" he'll ask with a shrug. Up close, Thunder's a little scary to Owen. But being perched between Mommy and Daddy at a picnic table at "Thunder's house" was an adventure.

6) Sitting at a neighbor's for yet another barbeque: you can never have too many barbecues on Memorial Day weekend.

7) The opening of the near-by lake

8) The mysterious flowers my wife planted that deer pass up and have neighbors scratching their heads: there are many, many deer in my town and my wife has managed to plant these tall purple flowers that remain in tact while other gardens get chewed down.

9) The three day weekend

10) Hearing Owen suffer a kiss attack from my wife in his room as I type in my office: If Owen stands in "the kissing corner" in his room, it means one thing -- a "kiss attack." I know it sounds corny, but oh how it makes him cackle!

Kipfer suggests making your list soothing and paying attention to moments of awareness -- things that are a little deeper than finding money on the sidewalk.

Throughout much of Memorial Day weekend, what really made me smile was how much my son loves me. While car shopping he wore a slouch hat because I wear slouch hats.

Sometimes, he gives my wife and my mom a hard time making them squirm as he picks at his food when they want nothing more than to see him fill his belly with a substantial meal.

But if I make a turkey and cheese sandwich for myself and make an extra one and put it on a plate next to mine and sit him in a "big boy chair" -- he'll eat the whole thing. No muss, no fuss.

I'm not sure who enjoys that more, him or me...

He saw another mountain...He saw another mountain...

Sometimes, when my fantastically happy 2-year-old son Owen bounces into the room to share an amazing fact like how much he is enjoying the vanilla yogurt that is in his mouth, it feels like a bittersweet moment.

Why can’t I get that kind of simple, pure happiness back? Then I add to my woes by judging myself too harshly and declaring that I've been jaded.

Long gone are the days when a happy-go-lucky me turned every corner with a smile on my face. Then I worry that the same fate awaits Owen one day.

But was my childhood really my halcyon days? This psychological slight of hand tricks me every time.

Happiness researcher Gretchen Rubin writes about the myth of happiness.

“We often imagine that we’ll be happy as soon as we get a job/make partner/get tenure/get married/get that promotion/have a baby/move. (But) usually by the time you’ve arrived at your destination, you’re expecting to reach it, so it has already been incorporated into your happiness. You quickly become adjusted to the new state of affairs," she writes on her blog, The Happiness Project.

That is the main difference in the way Owen experiences vanilla yogurt versus the way I experience vanilla yogurt. I am used to the experience, so used to vanilla that I can't help but wish for swirls of fruit or chunks of candy to be mixed in. Instead of appreciating the hint of cool sweetness hitting my tongue, I am thinking this needs to be whipped or garnished.

But that is only the half of it. What about what we commonly call looking through rose colored glasses? Am I remembering things accurately when I am thinking back on the good old days?

The things that frustrate toddlers my son's age are nothing to sneeze at, like not being able to communicate things that he wants to do or things that he wants to say. While the taste of vanilla yogurt can send him spinning like a Sufi into the living room, without Mommy or Daddy, he couldn't get the yogurt out of the fridge or his spoon out of the drawer.

By the time I mastered taking care of myself and created my own identity--let's say I was somewhere in the pre-teen years--I had other concerns, like zits or big ears. In hindsight, I think back to all of the fun I had playing ball in the street or hanging out on summer days. But of course by that point I spent much of my time listening to my Walkman in the back seat of my parents' car wondering when I would have total control over my own life.

"Arriving at one goal usually reveals a new goal. There’s another hill to climb," continues Rubin. "In fact, working toward a goal can be a more powerful source of happiness than hitting it – which can sometimes be a letdown. It’s important, therefore, to look for happiness in the present, in the atmosphere of growth afforded by making gradual progress toward a goal."

These days, my life is my own. While the balancing act of paying the bills and taking care of the family can sometimes be a burden, it's one that my wife and I get to share.

The process of selling our townhouse and buying a bigger home that our family can grow into was hard, but it was progress. As my parents get ready for retirement and look forward to downsizing--possibly to a townhouse--I think back to a song they taught me to sing during long car rides.

"The bear went over the mountain. The bear went over the mountain. The bear went over the mountain, and what do you think he saw? He saw another mountain. He saw another mountain. He saw another mountain...And what do you think he did?"

Does everyone have the potential to be happy?

Bart likes to wear black. He thinks of himself as a rebel. He has always been an outsider and that is just fine with him because in his own words, the world is a messed up place.

People are too closed-minded, he says, and their interactions are superficial. So Bart took no part in school plays, sought out and stuck with his nonconformist buddies in college and still refuses to sell out by working for the man today.

It's hard to check in with my friend Bart, his name only for the sake of this post, because he can't afford a cell phone and his myriad of odd jobs (needed to make ends meet) put him on what seems like an antisocial schedule.

Is Bart an example of the Nietzsche Ubermensch - resisting the opiates of the masses, like "American Idol," and moving to the beat of his own drummer? Or is Bart kidding himself?

By Bart's own admission, life is an uphill battle that rarely makes him happy. But it's bill collectors that gnaw at him, not suckers in the daily grind. It's failed relationships that hold him down, not a backward thinking populous that fails to see the value of going against the grain.

In truth, he just seems to be getting in his own way. Don't we all have friends like that? They just never seem able to get traction, no matter how many hours we spend on the telephone trying to solve their problems. We wonder why they just won't wake up as we try to listen to their dysfunctional stories in one ear while catching "American Idol" in the other.

There may actually be a reason.

Psychologist Jack Mayer studies how emotions influence personality. According to Mayer, biology and social interaction can shape a personality. This much we know, but studies over the last 10 years indicate that once the personality is molded, a person is limited to experiencing only a finite range of emotions. Mental health professionals call these ranges "set points."

"We are a bit like Weeble-Wobble dolls," said Carol Kauffman a psychologist and Harvard Medical School professor. "We tend to go back to our usual happiness set point after negative or positive life events."

So, Bart may always want to wear black. But according to Mayer, all hope isn't lost. Psychoactive drugs, exercise, and diet can help a person break past biological limits on happiness and "cheerier friends" can help counteract negative surroundings.

Specifically, Mayer offers the following advice to Bart.

"The world is a marvelously complex place," said Mayer. "As it turns out, some mental models are more constructive than others... I think that searching for a constructive model of the world is a worthwhile pursuit in life."

Although he acknowledges that Bart may not agree.

What is happiness? (Part 3)

So our definition of happiness is building. It is the result of things that are external to us, like our surroundings. It is also the result of the choices we make as members of various communities. It can come from simple things like seeing a baby smile, but also from complex concepts, like justice.

Defining happiness might be the first step toward understanding it. But it might even be an unnecessary one. As my mother-in-law continued her e-mail, she told the story of my brother-in-law, Ben, when he was 2:

“When Ben was 2 or 2 and a half...somewhere in that age range... we asked him why he was always so happy. He considered the question carefully and said ‘I just decided to be because it feels better.’

“Allan [my father-in-law] and I remember that because he said it at a time of our lives when we were so incredibly busy that we didn't stop to think about topics such as our happiness. When he said that I realized that I was very happy and that part of it was the fact that I was so busy and involved and felt that I was contributing.”

What is happiness? (Part 2)

“How would you define happiness?” I asked friends and family in an e-mail...

The first reply was from my mom, “Happiness is seeing my grandson, and him saying ‘Grandma,” she wrote.

So, Mom’s definition is on par with Webster’s. My friend John is a library director.

“I think of happiness as momentary and uncertain. It is joy (a more spiritual value) that sustains me even in the darkest times and in the most painful circumstances,” he wrote.

The difference in how one defines happiness while looking at a baby’s face is strikingly different than how one defines it while looking at a wall of books.

John added an important layer to the discussion. Is happiness different than joy? The joy I write about in this column often points to more substantial events like a baby learning to walk than fleeting, funny moments, like said baby slipping on a banana peel and then landing on a whoopee cushion. But is there a difference between the two in the moment?

“This is a stream of consciousness rather than a definition but here goes,” my mother-in-law writes. “I really do believe that happiness is a state of mind and a decision. ‘Things’ give me transient satisfaction but the feeling that I am contributing to the world in some way, whether it is through paid employment or how I treat the people I meet or deal with everyday, I am happy.”

Actually, many philosophers agree that this is an integral part of deep happiness. To illustrate this they concocted a thought experiment in which there exists a pleasure machine.

Much like the movie The Matrix, the perfect pleasure machine allows people to plug in and experience whatever experiences they think will make them happy. Want to be a rock star? Poof! You’re a rock star.

The experience would be perfect. It would seem tactile and real in every way to those who are plugged in, and yet the majority of people say they would opt out. They would rather live their real lives. Philosophers believe this is because people want their lives to add up to something.

So it is more than a positive emotion about your current condition. Life only adds up to something through our toil and that means that happiness is more than being satisfied. It’s not just a situation that we find ourselves in—we have to contribute to it.

If Aristotle had e-mail, I am sure that he would love to contribute at this point in the discourse.

“Happiness would be the result of living a just life,” he’d click out on his keyboard before spilling his late night coffee across his open-toed sandals.

A just life, in Aristotle’s view, would be a life that is built on careful decisions, in accordance with one’s beliefs.

"Living a life that is loving and giving in the light of eternity," writes poet Sander Zulauf who was one of my great teachers in college.

The smiling exercise

Ever notice the feeling you get when you are walking around with a smile on your face? I usually feel a little bit goofy, a little self-conscious. But my fear is allayed the minute I come in contact with another person.

The same smile pops up on their face.

“Why are you smiling?” they ask through their own goofy grin.

If I have an appropriate answer, a conversation starts. If I don’t have an appropriate answer, the smiles grow even bigger.

“I don’t know,” I say sheepishly as my smile takes over my face.

“Oh? OK,” they say as they follow the beam of their own smile on down the hall.

Unlike frowning, people don’t always need a reason for smiling. No matter if it’s their own smile or someone else’s.

I don’t always have a reason, because sometimes I am just smiling as an exercise.

There are three simple rules to the smiling exercise:
1) Do it on purpose. 2) Do it more often. 3) Start in the morning.

I emphasize smiling on purpose emphatically. Sure, it’s an automatic reaction that our bodies handle on autopilot, but smiling on purpose jump-starts the feeling of giddiness.

Smiling on purpose also allows us to dispense smiles more often, like Pez from a Pez dispenser, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a sad person holding a Pez dispenser!

Lastly, I say start in the morning because that is when we tend to grump around like “adults.” I don’t mean like adults who have amassed accomplishments that they are proud of like family and careers.

I’m using the connotation for “adults” that kids have in their inflection when referring to the slouching beasts who stand around the coffee maker sighing and groaning -- hands tucked into their backs to better support the weight of the world.

One morning smile will jettison you and any bystanders into the light of the new day.

Ways to start enjoying your commute!

By Gene Myers

According to happiness research professionals—and yes, there are such people—people are most unhappy when they are commuting. If your commute takes an hour, that two hours a day adds up to almost 22 days a year spent being miserable.

But what choice do we have? Surprisingly, there are more than you’d think. First off, take control. Don't drive into a jam if you don’t have to. Does your job offer flextime? If so, then why not work out a schedule that would allow you to skip rush hour altogether?

If that’s not an option, track your trip virtually. Local TV and radio news stations can be of some help, but Google Maps (a Web application that you can install on your cell phone) and Web cams can show you jam-ups in real-time.

No way to avoid the congestion? You can still make your situation better. It’s your car—your space! Wish you had more quiet time to think? They make aromatherapy scents that you can plug in to your car’s cigarette lighter.

Why not turn off the radio and listen to yourself breathing deeply with the help of a soothing sent? Not the meditative type? Crank up the loud, obnoxious music they won't tolerate at home.

OK, singing in the car—who hasn’t thought of that? But have you ever considered exercising in the car?

On the eHow Web site, Sports and Fitness Editor Kristen Knight offers some creative ideas.

“You may think it's impossible or even silly to try to work out in your car, but a few simple exercises can help you burn calories, reduce stiffness in your joints, and may even have you laughing your way along the highway,” she writes.

Step 1: Squeeze and release: the most common exercises that can easily be done in the car are called isometric contractions. They involve squeezing or activating your muscle, holding the contraction for a few seconds, then release.

Step 2: Release tension in your neck and shoulders with shoulder shrugs. Lift your shoulders up toward your ears, hold for 8 to 10 seconds, and lower. Repeat.

Step 3: Keep your tush from getting numb by squeezing your gluteal muscles, hold for a count of 10, then relax. Repeat.

Step 4: Strengthen your inner thighs. Place a small pillow between your feet. Try to lift the item off the ground and squeeze your legs together at the same time. You can also place the pillow or other soft object between your knees and squeeze.

Step 5: Toe raises will help work the muscles on the front of your shins. Lift toes, hold 10 seconds, relax and repeat.

Step 6: Place a bag or stack of magazines on your lap to perform heel raises. Lift heels, hold for 8-10 seconds. Relax then repeat.

Step 7: Hold onto the handle above window and engage the biceps as though you're going to pull yourself out of your seat. Hold for 8-10 seconds, then relax. Switch seats, if possible, after a rest stop to work the other arm.

Step 8: Squeeze your abdominal muscles as though you're trying to touch your ribs to your stomach, then release and sit up tall.

Or, you could get a mental workout. Your local library has plenty of books on tape and CDs that you could listen to during the commute. You could learn a language, become enlightened listening to the Dalai Lama or catch up on guilty pleasures like Danielle Steele.

There’s one more element to consider. If you’re like my wife and you spend that hour commuting on a bus or train, you have even more options to choose from. You could plan your day or the week’s meals and shopping. You could get a jump on your workday using a laptop. You could even watch DVDs on the laptop.

If you use mass transit, you have one other option that isn’t available to those of us who drive. You could nap!

If sleeping the ride away is your pleasure, there is an iPhone application called iNap. The program uses the phone's built-in GPS to track your location and it will set off an alarm when you near your destination.

I’ll leave you with this Roy M. Goodman quote: “Remember that happiness is a way of travel — not a destination.”

The best part & worst part of being in the moment

By Gene Myers

I recently read an article on toddlers' perception of time. Because my 20-month-old son, Owen, cannot understand a statement like, "I will be home in 8 hours," it suggested using routine events that happen throughout his days as mile markers.

Ready for work on a Monday morning I thought I'd give it a try. Owen ran to the front door as I zipped up my coat. I bent down and said, "I will be home before you go to bed."

His bottom lip started quivering. His eyes welled up and he started crying! Oops, major mistake on my part. I miscalculated.

When I got home that night (earlier than I had promised) I decided more research was needed. Instead of reading another article, I got on the floor and pulled out Owen's Sesame Street Garage and Racetrack. We raced cars out of Oscar's garage (one at a time) and drove them into his Fisher Price pizza parlor.

"Yum," said Owen as he pushed a slice of Sicilian into the grill of his Elmo car. "Yum" I repeated as I drove the Cookie Monster truck back to the track.
"Elmo!" Owen said, handing me his magnetic pen, so I drew Elmo for him on an Etch-a-Sketch-like pad.

I ignored the twinge to check the time on my cell phone and let its reminders vibrate ad infinitum in my pocket.

I made mental notes each time my son had what might be best described as happy attacks. From out of nowhere he would throw his hands up in the air and run around yelling enjoyable nonsense.

At least that is how it appeared from the outside. Various events instigated these happy attacks, including finding a piece of lint on the floor or the appearance of a new person in the room.

The happy attacks clearly illustrated to me that the best way to research what's going through my boy's mind was to surrender control and become the test subject.

This got easier and easier to do with each of Owen's maniacal laughing fits, like the one that followed after we crawled around like dogs, panting. Then he stood up and pet me, saying "DOGGIE!"

By the time the fun had ended I learned a lot about being in the moment with my son. Playing by his rules made it easier to get silly with him. But it also made leaving in the morning that much harder on the both of us.

Each morning he had a new scheme that he hoped would get in the way of me going to work, like stealing my shoes or blocking the door.

None of these plans actually stopped me, but they did make it harder. What made it harder still was the realization that while being in the moment makes it possible to be carefree and silly, it also means that waiting for daddy to come home feels like forever.

Get happy, FAST!

So here we are in February. With no holidays left and only the cold winds of March to look forward to, February can be the toughest winter month to get through.

If you feel your mood and energy levels slipping along with what's left of the gray snow into the spillways, here are nine ways to lift your spirits from Gretchen Rubin's article in entitled, "Nine tips for dealing with a happiness emergency."

Gleaning its highlights:

1. Boost your energy: Stand up and pace while you talk on the phone or, even better, take a brisk 10-minute walk outside. Research shows that when people move faster, their metabolism speeds up, and the activity and sunlight are good for your focus, your mood, and the retention of information.

2. Reach out to friends: Make a lunch date or send an e-mail to a friend you haven't seen in a while. Having warm, close bonds with other people is the key to happiness, so take the time to stay in touch.

3. Rid yourself of a nagging task: Answer a difficult e-mail, do an errand you've been putting off, or call to make that dentist's appointment. Crossing an irksome chore off your to-do list will give you a big rush of energy and relief.

4. Create a calmer environment: A large stack of little tasks can feel overwhelming, but often just a few minutes of work can make a sizable dent. Try to get in the habit of using the one-minute rule?i.e., never postpone any task that can be completed in less than one minute.

5. Lay the groundwork for some future fun: Studies show that having fun on a regular basis is a pillar of happiness, and anticipation is an important part of that pleasure.

6. Do a good deed: Make an e-mail introduction of two people who could help each other. Or set up a blind date. Or shoot someone a piece of useful information or gratifying praise. Do good, feel good? This really works.

7. Act happy: Put a smile on your face right now. Research shows that even a fake smile has a positive influence on your emotions--turns out that just going through the motion of happiness brightens your mood.

8. Count your blessings. Take 10 minutes to think about all the things in your life that are going right, about all the things that other people do to help you, about all the things that you're thankful for.

9. Perform an action that reflects your values. Do you think organ donation is a good idea? Sign up online to be one yourself; it takes less than a minute. Worried about climate change? Refill your water bottle from the tap instead of buying a couple of bottles throughout the day? Living up to your values will help you "feel right."

--from Slate magazine