You are standing on a train platform. It’s late, and foggy. No one is around. It’s just you and your child at your side.
You hear footsteps at the other end of the platform. They approach steadily.
You crane your neck, squint your eyes as the adrenalin starts pumping. You scan your surroundings as the flight or fight reflexes kick in.
Your child is also anxious and scanning for clues. But it’s not the approaching stranger that’s making them nervous. It’s you.
As adults we take our cues from our surroundings. Our young children however get their information from our faces.
Dr. Stephen Briers uses the example above to open the chapter on mirror neurons in his book, "How Your Child Thinks."
"When presented with an ambiguous or unfamiliar situation, the first place most infants look for further information is in the faces of their caregivers," writes Briers.
While children don’t have life experience to help them assess their surroundings, they master reading faces very early on.
Mirror neurons take reading your face to yet another, deeper level.
These special neurons are what allow us to learn from others by simply watching. Some experts believe that not only do we learn how to jump by watching someone else jump, we also experience the thrill of jumping from watching someone jump.
This is something that I need to keep in mind when I’m tired and grumpy. Inevitably, my 2 year old is following close behind watching everything I do.
Lose my keys in a huff, in a hurry, and he is there. Throw something because I feel like I am going to snap, he is there.
"When we frown at our children, they feel the chill of displeasure; when we smile and laugh, we flood them with the sunlight of their own capacity for joy," writes Briers.
How do we know mirror neurons really do have these effects on our kids? All I have to do is consider the way my son's laughter makes me feel.
When he plays chase, he runs around shrieking and smiling until he drops. By the time he hits the floor, I'm also exhausted. I feel like I could collapse in a fit of happiness. I certainly lighten up from watching him.
Why not return the favor? He doesn't know the world of bills, contracts, narrow windows of opportunity and disappointment. Toddlers don't fill with fear at the sound of a stranger's footsteps on a train platform.
To them, the world is not a harsh place. What they know about emotions, they get from watching Mommy and Daddy's faces.
Showing posts with label toddlers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label toddlers. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Ladies and gentlemen, the 'Old Mac Donald' Blues!
I have many harmonicas. There’s a pile of harps that I play and a pile of keepsakes – harmonicas signed by famous blues harp players, like John Sebastian and Charlie Musselwhite.Whenever my 2 year-old son, Owen, runs into my office, the shelf full of harmonicas is the first place he heads. Maybe they were initially appealing because they were a collection.
Once he found out that the multi-colored plastic cases opened--and each one contained a shiny metal object--the appeal increased. By the time he discovered that the shiny objects made music, there was no stopping him.
Whenever I left my office door open, the little guy with a huge smile would make a mad dash for the harmonica shelf.
"Daddy, open this one," he'd say handing me a red case. "Open this one," he'd say pushing a blue one into my lap.
Big ones, little ones, plastic and metal, he'd grab as many as he could and plop himself down in the middle of the room with the harps scattered around him.
I bought him his own. But the plastic rubber orange harmonica with large holes made for someone his age had an unfortunate characteristic—it was hard to play. Even I had trouble getting sound to come out of it. Instead of letting him get discouraged by the toy, I let him play mine.
I got used to him honking the harmonicas behind me while I clicked away on the computer. He’d blow into the holes and listen. Flip it over and try again.
Eventually, he learned that he could make music in a number of ways: blowing into the holes, sucking air through the holes; he learned that moving up and down the harmonica would change the pitch. I was proud of my blues harp buddy.
Last week, I was sitting and playing harmonica with him and I noticed yet another milestone. He started to sing and play at the same time.
He breathed into the harp and then I heard a quiet voice. I couldn’t make out the words until he repeated them after his next riff: “With a moo moo here…”
He added another riff…
“And a moo moo there!”
He was singing his own blues adaptation of “Old Mac Donald!”
What a moment! I was so proud of him playing harmonica and trying to sing for one of the first times in his life.
The most common comment that I get from readers goes something like this: “Thank you for last week’s column. It reminded me of the love that I have for my child and made me appreciate them again, now that they are teenagers.”
I have to admit that as a newbie father of a boy who is only 2, the level of frustration parents can hit by the time their kids are teenagers is foreign to me. But I do remember being a teenager. I hope Owen is easier on me than I was on my parents.
When that time does come, when I feel like hitting the roof, I hope that I remember this moment--Owen and I jamming the "Old Mac Donald" blues.
I am betting that it will probably be a touchstone that I return to. I can’t imagine the road ahead of us. Was it moments like these that got moms and dads throughout time through the rough spots?
Sunday, June 7, 2009
How many ways to say 'NO!' are there?
Now that my son Owen is 2, the baby has been replaced by a confident little man who has his own preferences.
One of his favorite things to do at this moment is to say “No!”
It doesn’t matter what the question is, “No!” is the most appropriate answer.
“Owen, would you close the drawer?”
“Want to sit with Daddy?”
“Did you have a good day, Owen?”
“Do you want to color?”
Of course this sometimes presents a problem for him. What if the answer isn’t “No?” What if he does want to color?
The answer is still “no,” but he has a “tell” as they say in poker. His face changes. His eyes widen as he worries about the outcome. Then he hesitates before giving his standard answer. This is the only way he lets on that the answer actually is in fact, “yes.”
I thought teaching him a fun way to say “yes” would do the trick.
“Owen,” I said with my thumbs-up ala Fonzie style, “this means ‘yes,’ and this means ‘no,’” turning my thumbs upside down.
He started to smile.
“No!” he said laughing while attempting to put his thumbs down.
He saw the beauty in what I offered him—another way to say, “no.”
He ignored the thumbs-up. Hmmm…
“OK, Owen, try this…Shaking your head up and down means ‘yes’ and shaking it from side to side means ‘no.’”
He illustrated he understood with a nod from side to side.
For help, I turned to the Web.
A number of parents consoled each other and offered what help they could in the article "Parents say: Getting past No!" on a BabyCenter Medical Advisory Board site.
"When your toddler falls in love with the word "no," it can feel like you've run straight into a brick wall,” it starts.
“We like the idea of giving choices within boundaries. For example, with our 22 month old, Noah, if he says he is hungry, I might say ‘Okay, lets have a piece of fruit. Would you like a banana or grapes?’ That way he is making the choice, and the choice is a healthy one,” wrote Adrienne.
Respond with humor advises Jan from Minnesota.
“My 2 1/2-year-old won't always cooperate — no surprise! For instance, I'll ask him to sit down to eat and he'll say "No!" and laugh, and start dancing around instead. That used to make me mad (okay, it still does), but I try to laugh back and say something like, ‘What's going on there, Legs? You tell Bottom to sit right in that chair!’ That makes him laugh and breaks his defiant mood,” she writes.
Lisa from Washington also uses lightheartedness to prevent a head-on battle.
I try to deal with stubbornness by making the task seem more fun. Going potty before leaving the house can be an endless battle in our home, so now we ‘fly’ our 2 1/2-year-old son to the bathroom. By the time we get there, he is laughing and having so much fun he is willing to go potty,” she writes.
Of course, there is the old standby, reverse psychology.
“When I have heard one ‘no’ too many from my 2 1/2-year-old son, reverse psychology always seems to work. I just say, ‘Oh, okay then, I'll do it by myself.’ He always chimes right in with that fierce independence and says, ‘No, I will do it by my big self!’” offers Barbre from New Jersey.
One other tip that I thought would be useful came from Arizona native, Carey.
"Our daughter Dayna is 2 years old and wants to do everything herself. When I ask her to do something, like get out of her car seat after I've unbuckled her, I give her some time to do it herself (a few seconds). Then if she's not moving quickly enough, I tell her it's now her turn, but if she doesn't do it, then it'll be my turn.”
All of these tactics have conflict avoidance in mind.
Familyeducation.com agrees that this is paramount and brings up another important point.
Being able to say “no” is important to toddlers.
“Kids this age are driven by the need to make their own decisions, to be autonomous, and to control their world, and the way they express these needs is through the word no,” the site states.
From the toddler’s perspective, living in a world where the chairs, tables, and sinks are too tall, drawers are too heavy and the stairs are too steep can be frustrating, the site reminds.
The word “no” can be a relief to little ones.
Giving Owen choices, letting him do things for himself and letting him participate in chores and important household tasks (like getting the mail) will go a long way to reducing his frustration and empowering him.
After all, a sense of empowerment is what the word “no” is all about.
Lastly, familyeducation.com reminds readers not to expect their children to always be nice, “and don't take her 'no' personally. Your child is not defiant, angry, or negative—she's a toddler saying no.’”
I wonder if there are any other ways I can teach Owen to say no?
One of his favorite things to do at this moment is to say “No!”
It doesn’t matter what the question is, “No!” is the most appropriate answer.
“Owen, would you close the drawer?”
“Want to sit with Daddy?”
“Did you have a good day, Owen?”
“Do you want to color?”
Of course this sometimes presents a problem for him. What if the answer isn’t “No?” What if he does want to color?
The answer is still “no,” but he has a “tell” as they say in poker. His face changes. His eyes widen as he worries about the outcome. Then he hesitates before giving his standard answer. This is the only way he lets on that the answer actually is in fact, “yes.”
I thought teaching him a fun way to say “yes” would do the trick.
“Owen,” I said with my thumbs-up ala Fonzie style, “this means ‘yes,’ and this means ‘no,’” turning my thumbs upside down.
He started to smile.
“No!” he said laughing while attempting to put his thumbs down.
He saw the beauty in what I offered him—another way to say, “no.”
He ignored the thumbs-up. Hmmm…
“OK, Owen, try this…Shaking your head up and down means ‘yes’ and shaking it from side to side means ‘no.’”
He illustrated he understood with a nod from side to side.
For help, I turned to the Web.
A number of parents consoled each other and offered what help they could in the article "Parents say: Getting past No!" on a BabyCenter Medical Advisory Board site.
"When your toddler falls in love with the word "no," it can feel like you've run straight into a brick wall,” it starts.
“We like the idea of giving choices within boundaries. For example, with our 22 month old, Noah, if he says he is hungry, I might say ‘Okay, lets have a piece of fruit. Would you like a banana or grapes?’ That way he is making the choice, and the choice is a healthy one,” wrote Adrienne.
Respond with humor advises Jan from Minnesota.
“My 2 1/2-year-old won't always cooperate — no surprise! For instance, I'll ask him to sit down to eat and he'll say "No!" and laugh, and start dancing around instead. That used to make me mad (okay, it still does), but I try to laugh back and say something like, ‘What's going on there, Legs? You tell Bottom to sit right in that chair!’ That makes him laugh and breaks his defiant mood,” she writes.
Lisa from Washington also uses lightheartedness to prevent a head-on battle.
I try to deal with stubbornness by making the task seem more fun. Going potty before leaving the house can be an endless battle in our home, so now we ‘fly’ our 2 1/2-year-old son to the bathroom. By the time we get there, he is laughing and having so much fun he is willing to go potty,” she writes.
Of course, there is the old standby, reverse psychology.
“When I have heard one ‘no’ too many from my 2 1/2-year-old son, reverse psychology always seems to work. I just say, ‘Oh, okay then, I'll do it by myself.’ He always chimes right in with that fierce independence and says, ‘No, I will do it by my big self!’” offers Barbre from New Jersey.
One other tip that I thought would be useful came from Arizona native, Carey.
"Our daughter Dayna is 2 years old and wants to do everything herself. When I ask her to do something, like get out of her car seat after I've unbuckled her, I give her some time to do it herself (a few seconds). Then if she's not moving quickly enough, I tell her it's now her turn, but if she doesn't do it, then it'll be my turn.”
All of these tactics have conflict avoidance in mind.
Familyeducation.com agrees that this is paramount and brings up another important point.
Being able to say “no” is important to toddlers.
“Kids this age are driven by the need to make their own decisions, to be autonomous, and to control their world, and the way they express these needs is through the word no,” the site states.
From the toddler’s perspective, living in a world where the chairs, tables, and sinks are too tall, drawers are too heavy and the stairs are too steep can be frustrating, the site reminds.
The word “no” can be a relief to little ones.
Giving Owen choices, letting him do things for himself and letting him participate in chores and important household tasks (like getting the mail) will go a long way to reducing his frustration and empowering him.
After all, a sense of empowerment is what the word “no” is all about.
Lastly, familyeducation.com reminds readers not to expect their children to always be nice, “and don't take her 'no' personally. Your child is not defiant, angry, or negative—she's a toddler saying no.’”
I wonder if there are any other ways I can teach Owen to say no?
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